HORROR MOVIE SURVIVAL GUIDE 325
Tips For Keeping Your Sorry Butt Out Of The Morgue
Don't trust anybody.
Never jump to
Always carry several
guns and lots of armor-piercing bullets. Shoot
everything. All the time. Don't even wait. Reload
You don't have to
outrun the monster. You have to outrun your friends.
Move out of your house
if you find that it has...
on or near a cemetery.
...at one time
served as a church used for black masses.
previous inhabitants who went mad, committed
suicide, or died in some horrible fashion.
occupied by someone involved with necrophilia or
satanic practices (or anything in the least bit
Never read a book of
demon summoning out loud.
Swimming is bad.
If the local weirdo
warns you about a "death curse," don't assume
he's just hopped up on goofballs.
Never stand in, on,
above, below, beside, or in the same neighborhood as a
grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, morgue, or other domicile
of the dead.
Never stand in, on,
above, below, beside, or near a window, especially those
that appear that they would break easily.
This rule may be ignored if the window is being
used as an escape route.
If you're searching
for something that caused a noise and find out that it's
just the cat, get out of the room quickly.
Just say no to human
If you've discovered
an urban legend about a long-dead serial killer and
decide to investigate it, under no circumstances should
you pick up any hitchhikers near the killer's last known
If a hitchhiker you
picked up commits suicide while riding with you, just
dump the body and leave. It's not worth the trouble of
Clowns are bad, very
bad. They're evil, too. Even Ronald McDonald is a
Don't make fun of or
play with dead things.
If you find a town
that looks deserted, it's probably for a reason.
Beware of strangers
bearing various implements of destruction, such as
chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, spears, broken
glass, barbed wire, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers,
knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm,
grenades, high-powered rifles, laser pistols, nunchucks,
bricks, sleeping bags, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space
When it seems that
you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's
When something bad is
chasing you, bear in mind that when you'll have to crank
the engine over many times before your car will fire up.
Even if you bought the car earlier that day, it'll
If you walk into the
local abandoned church to seek help or shelter, and you
notice that the pews are lined with what looks like dead
people, turn around and go back outside as quietly as
When you happen to be
one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through
the film alive, NEVER sign on to do a
sequel unless you were the hero. And even then, your
chances are survival are 50-50.
People arriving to
rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so
don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact,
expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their
flayed corpse at some point.
Just because someone
dared you to do something doesn't mean it's okay to do
If a small band of
children appear to be smarter then the adults that are
around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a
small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility
towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave
town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the
children as possible, but expect to die anyway because
you are inferior to them.
When you land on a
distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs,
leave them alone.
When you disobey the
previous rule and one of your spaceship's crew finds a
hideous parasite attached to his body, don't let him back
on the ship. The poor guy will die a painful death,
When you disobey the
previous two rules and a hideous alien menace is hunting
you, never wander off alone to find the ship's cat.
Never go in/out there.
"There" means the attic, closet, barn,
basement, dark alley, dark parking garage, dark
anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the
woods, or the lake. Just about everywhere is
If someone who seems
important gives you orders, follow them to the letter.
This rule may only be broken if following it means
violating another rule.
Be sure to carry as
much ammunition as you can if using a gun to combat the
all-consuming evil, because you'll more than likely run
out just before you kill the monster.
Abandon all hope if
flesh-eating zombies bite you. No matter how many
antibiotics you take, you're going to become one of them
sooner or later.
If you're the last
main character left in a zombie movie, don't stand out in
the open. A posse of drunken rednecks are probably
hunting the zombies, and in their alcohol-fueled daze,
they might mistake you for a member of the hideous legion
Don't open the closed
door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing,
or any other strange noises from the other side.
If you're a male, get
out of there as fast as possible.
especially when in the house alone. If you have really
nasty body odor, you'll hopefully scare the monster.
While guns slow the
monster down, you really shouldn't rely on anything more
complicated than a pointed stick or a board with a nail
stuck through it.
Never camp, build
homes, or bury pets/family members on or near Indian
If the phone lines are
dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs when you're
supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who
your "guest" is.
Upon hearing the
previously mentioned footsteps upstairs, get out quickly.
If you have to escape through a squeaky door or window,
turn the TV or stereo up full blast.
Never pick up the
phone and call for help. Chances are your phone will be
dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster
swinging some sort of sharp object.
If you have defeated
the monster, pay close attention to the camera. If it
pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out
If you find that a
window which you thought was previously closed is now
open, do not close it. It may be your only way out when
whatever has come in through it is chasing you.
Look at the paychecks
of the other actors in the cast. You'll want to hang
around the ones with the higher paychecks, because
they're more likely to survive.
That rustling in the
bushes is not a bunny rabbit.
People dressed as
Santa Claus are a little less than trustworthy.
If someone is in the
water and starts screaming and is pulled under, don't go
after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to
see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for
If you should run
across an escape route made of glass, don't waste time
pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better
course of action. A few minor cuts and scratches are
better than a chest wound.
Whenever a strange
weapon is presented (i.e. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can
opener, etc.), take it. If you don't, the monster will
use it against you. Better you use it then the monster.
If you look out the
window and see a monster, chances are he's coming after
you some time or another.
Setting the monster on
fire doesn't hurt him, it just makes it angry.
that were not meant to be stimulated is a really bad
If you have military
supplies in your possession, get rid of them quickly.
If the military supplies in your possession can
successfully be used in your favor as weapons,
then ignore this rule.
If your car breaks
down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra five
miles into town.
Make sure what you use
to kill the nasty things is a poison, not a stimulant.
Don't work the night
If an iceberg appears
to be radioactive, do not crash your submarine into it.
Heck, don't crash your submarine into a regular iceberg,
Never make fun of the
shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school. If you do, either
apologize and befriend her or skip the prom.
If you know a planet
is inhabited with thousands of acid-bleeding creatures,
it is generally not a good idea to go to that planet and
try to bring back one of the creatures.
In the event that you
decide to disobey the above rule, and your tracking
device says the acid-bleeding creatures are moving
towards you, immediately point your gun at the ceiling
and fire. Try not to look directly up.
If you send your
significant other down to check out a mysterious sound
and he doesn't return within five minutes, don't check on
him. All you'll find is a corpse.
Never try to kill a
monster the same way it was done before. Doing this may
cause something very bad, since nobody ever tried it
Do not allow children
to watch television, read old books, or play with puzzle
The buddy system is
Don't poke things with
If you rise from the
dead, you'd better learn to like human flesh. Why? You'll
be eating some sooner or later. No getting around it.
Practical jokes aren't
usually a good idea. Either the demon will change it so
it's deadly, or it'll be set off by the victim's corpse.
Beware of strangers
Under no circumstances
should you remove unusual items from glaciers or large
blocks of ice.
If you disregard the
previous rule and remove something unusual from the ice,
do not let it thaw.
If you've recently
installed a C.B. radio into your car, don't let your
friends play pranks on truckers.
If two monsters are
fighting each other, don't try to get their attention if
one of them attempts to kill your friends in the process.
Doing so will just give the other monster the chance to
sneak up on you.
Don't play God.
Become a pro wrestler.
Nobody's tried to piledrive a monster yet.
When you're in a
group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT
Don't open the door.
Please bear in mind
that almost all myths and urban legends are loosely based
If you find a book
entitled "To Serve Man", don't board the alien
Don't bother to warn
anybody about the monster. Nobody will believe you.
Never watch a horror
movie while you're in a horror movie.
Only feed the strange
animal that your father bought for you in Chinatown
If you know that an
alien creature bleeds ultra-corrosive slime, never fire a
big-bore weapon point-blank at its face.
Choose your friends
preteen girls, excluding those who stand
in circles and act like adults or speak
in someone else's voice.
assistants to world-famous scientists.
ex-boyfriends of chaste teenage girls.
officers, security guards, and other
of companies with questionable
environmental or scientific practices.
specialized in criminal pathology.
Hiding in your
sleeping bag won't make the monster go away.
If there is only one
bridge between your camp and the nearest town, don't try
to escape. As soon as you get close to the bridge, it
will fall or be demolished by an evil spirit.
Pig blood has never
been funny, and it never will be.
If your name is not
listed in the opening credits, you've probably died
There is no good
reason for you to enter the basement of the abandoned
cabin you're renting.
If you DO
decide to venture into the cabin's basement, don't play
the cassette tape you found there.
If the first ten
gunshots didn't do any good, there's a good chance the
next ten won't work either.
Avoid any road or
street where vehicles drive themselves.
If any nearby animal
starts acting edgy, run the heck away from it because
something bad will happen.
Don't blow up H-bombs
in Tokyo. You'll only make the local fire-breathing
If you find out that
any of your ancestors were burned at the stake for
practicing witchcraft, by no means should you ever move
into their old house, study any of their experiments or
works, or dig up their grave.
If your roommate at
medical school develops a chemical for re-animating the
dead, immediately drop out.
If you choose to
disregard the previous rule by assisting your friend, do
not let failed experiments escape.
If you permit failed
re-animation experiments to escape, they will undoubtedly
group together and come after you.
If you absolutely must
experiment with re-animating the dead, never try to
create the perfect woman from various womanly parts.
Carry heavy artillery.
If you live in a town
in Maine whose residents include a clown driving a car he
calls "Christine," a rabid St. Bernard, a
haunted hotel near a pet cemetery, girls with telekinetic
or pyrokinetic powers, 18-wheelers that operate without
drivers, and fat guys that get skinny REALLY
quickly, move to another town.
If you live in a town
where the novels written by a particular horror author
come to life, you are so screwed.
When running from the
killer, don't try to climb through the doggy door. Find
another means of escape.
parents from taking jobs as winter caretakers at secluded
If your stomach hurts
after a recent alien attack, Pepto-Bismol isn't going to
be of much use.
If you meet someone
who has no reason to be there, chances are it's them
doing the killing.
Unless you're the
Terminator, saying "I'll be back" means you
won't be back.
If the ATM machine
insults you, avoid all mechanical devices for the next
week or two.
If your dentist
mentions that his wife is having an affair, cancel your
Buy a caller ID, or
keep Star-69 on speed-dial. In the event that neither
work, call the cops and get out of the house.
If you are about to be
killed, dare the psycho to do it. If you want to die, you
probably won't. Of course, the psycho may take you up on
Before an undead
creature kills you, find out its secret of eternal life
so you can put up a decent fight.
It doesn't matter if
Lucky Charms are magically delicious, steer clear of
If you try to open the
car door, but had to go and get your keys because you
forgot them, do not get into the car when you return if
the doors are suddenly unlocked and the windows are
steamy. This generally means the killer is in the car.
If you find yourself
in a hospital where only five people are working and
there are no other patients, you're better off with your
Just stay inside on
Never eat the bad
guy's heart, no matter how yummy it looks.
Don't ever dig up the
corpse of a dead bad guy with the intention of destroying
the body. No matter what you do, he'll come back to life.
Avoid houses where
portraits have moving eyes, the taps drip blood, and the
dog begins pawing at the wall for no reason.
When holding your gun
to the killer/monster's head, make sure the safety is
If you have been in
numerous horror movies and have been killed before the
opening credits are through, we suggest you find a new
line of work.
By all means, try to
avoid wax museums.
If you come across an
old abandoned house that is boarded up and has fifteen
pick-up trucks in the front yard, don't ask for
directions. Just get the heck out of there.
A walking puppet with
no strings is not cute.
Out" sign is probably there for a very good reason.
If you were a camp
counselor that was the only survivor from a massacre, why
would you go back to camp the next year?
If you have to decide
whether to run out the door or up the stairs, pick the
If your parents are
out of town, and you live in the country or up in the
hills, don't have a party. Go to a friend's house,
preferably one with a lot of weapons.
Just because it's
really quiet, don't be fooled. Even the biggest,
clumsiest monsters can sneak up on you.
When walking down the
same hallway you've walked down a million times before in
your house, turn the lights on. And run past any open
doors or adjacent halls.
Position all furniture
against sturdy walls so the killer can't jump you from
Never look directly
into anything that includes lights, boxes, mirrors, or
If the power goes out
in your home, look out a window at the streetlights and
neighbors' houses. If their power is out too, just calm
down and take a nap. If your house is the only one that
goes, then it's time to panic.
If the world is taken
over by the monster(s), just break into the White House
and press the "the big red button" and end it
When in the movie,
don't get a role in which you say or do anything
important. Be a cameo, or extra, since nothing bad
happens to them. My advice is to be the old man in the
If you see a guy in a
mask, it probably isn't one of your friends pulling a
If a guy tells you to
say certain magic words when you take a book of the dead
from a cemetery, write the words down if you fear you'll
Never take showers in
the Bates Motel.
Don't open canisters
containing gas that supposedly re-animates the dead.
If you go off alone to
get yourself a beer, you won't live long enough to drink
If you open a
partially closed door, don't be surprised if a corpse
If you ever see a neon
sign where a lack of certain letters produces a word with
a sinister connotation, under no conditions should you
have anything to do with the sign.
If you know that a
remake of your film will be produced, make sure David
Cronenberg or John Carpenter will be directing. That way,
you'll know for a fact that it'll be good.
If you've been having
wild freaky monkey-love in the cemetery with a widow you
just met, don't let her dead husband bite her if he
happens to show up. If you think he did bite her, don't
immediately assume she's a zombie and shoot her in the
head. She just fainted from all the stress.
Try not to attract ALL
the nasty evil things when you scream really, really
If someone offers to
give you a ride while a monster is chasing you, don't
accept. The driver just may be in cahoots with the
Just because you go on
a road trip doesn't mean the maniac can't find you.
If there is a killer
on the loose, do not decide that now's the time to lose
If your significant other is the killer, go wild!
When you call for
someone more than six times without an answer, you can
stop. You won't be getting an answer.
Crying vampires are
easier to kill with stakes, garlic, or holy water. Do not
be kindhearted; just kill the bloodsucking creature of
the night. Anything that whines that much about being
immortal only has it coming.
If you don't have a
heartbeat and brains smell mighty tasty, kill yourself
fast. Save your friends, family, and the whole world the
have sex with the nerdy guy in the back of the class. He
will be the hero and they'll survive by being his woman.
If you're a
telekinetic who accidentally caused your father's
drowning, don't try to use your powers to bring him back
to life. If you decide to disregard this rule, make ABSOLUTELY,
POSITIVELY SURE that there isn't a dead
serial killer chained at the bottom of the lake.
If a friend or family
member dies a gruesome death of unknown causes a week
after watching a strange videotape, don't bother
investigating. If you do happen to investigate, have
someone else watch the videotape for you.
Don't go to a summer
camp where a high percentage of those who either worked
or visited there were shot, stabbed, sliced, diced,
skewered, squished, splattered, deep fried, poked,
prodded, burned, bludgeoned, or wrapped up in a sleeping
bag and smacked against a tree.
If you deliver a pizza
to a house littered with dead bodies, the killer is
already hiding in your car. I would suggest going into
the house, disguising yourself as a dead body, and
playing dead when the killer walks by. Let someone else
do all the work.
enough to get your face bashed in by the killer.
If you are a bum or
drunk that saw something strange in the sky, just shoot
yourself and get it over with. It's better that way.
The killer is closer
than you think.
If the villain mails
you the decapitated head of your significant other, don't
kill him. That's exactly what he wants you to do.
On a dark and stormy
night when your parents go out, never stay home alone. Go
over to a friend's house or invite some friends over.
If the audience
doesn't think the movie is over, it's probably not over.
If you have a child
whose head begins to spin around without the rest of
their body, start drinking a lot of holy water.
funny-looking plants and burn them.
If a man walks towards
you in a stiff, staggering sort of fashion, do not assume
that he is a cerebral palsy victim.
Consider being the
villain in a horror movie. If you do a decent job killing
everyone, you may live for an indefinite number of
sequels. Even if you die, there's a good chance you'll be
Churches and holy
grounds just aren't safe places to be in a horror movie.
Oddly enough, most horror movie demons can walk right in
and not be affected.
Never sleep or have
sex in bunk beds or any other beds with enough room for
somebody to hide underneath. Sawing the legs off the beds
is a good idea.
Upon forming a large
army of rats, be nice to the huge brown one that's in
If you are in any
deserted place, like a camp, and there are old stories of
murders, leave while your heart is still beating.
If you hear something
strange, run as far as possible as quickly as possible.
Never look back when
you are running away from a killer. He'll only be in
front of you when you turn back around.
Even if you think that
you can't stomach it, falling in love with the bad guy is
probably better than being killed.
If the computer
running the labs you're trapped in suggests that you kill
a zombie-bitten member of your party, make your decision
quickly. Stalling will only give the monster more time to
find and eat you.
Remember that serial
killers and mass murderers are just like the
"Energizer Bunny." They keep going and going
and going and going and going and going, no matter how
many times you hit them with the car.
Never consume any part
of a dead villain. It never helps.
If your mother was
murdered recently, expect the killer to attack you too.
If you and your
friends accidentally hit a man with your car and dump the
body, he's not really dead. He's just really pissed off.
On the outside chance
that you just knocked down the killer who was chasing
you, use this time wisely. If you can get in a good shot
while he's down, take it. Otherwise, try putting some
distance between you and the monster.
If you're unsure
whether or not you're in a horror movie, do something
crazy that no horror movie would ever show. You might
want to try putting your legs behind your head, smacking
your butt, and yelling "pork chops and
applesauce" repeatedly. Even if a horror movie did
show that, you can at least die knowing you were part of
the funniest horror movie ever.
Look before you leap.
Otherwise, you might land in something icky.
Werewolves are not
Despite this list's
suggestions of massive gun use, never rely upon them as
your sole source of attack. Try to be a little more
Isolated locations -
rural farmhouses, cornfields, summer camps, deserts, the
middle of nowhere - are extremely bad places to be.
You're better off being in an area with lots of people.
That way, the monster might get distracted and start
killing everybody else, allowing you time to make an
Wearing high heels
isn't a good idea during a chase scene.
Don't dig up canisters
with dead guys in them.
After you disregard
the previous rule, don't open those canisters. You'll
probably be better off re-burying them.
usually die, unless they're the main character. What do
villains have against the handicapped, anyway?
If you feel that there
are two when there should only be one, do something about
If you're a pregnant
woman named Rosemary, have an abortion.
Try to one-up the
killer and see if YOU can be
the one to be resurrected multiple times.
Lead a cult. This way,
if you get killed, your faithful followers could
resurrect you in the sequel.
You know that big
rift/well/portal/gate/weird thingie that just opened up
in your backyard? Don't play in it.
paperweights come in handy during the big showdown with
Severed heads do not
make good bowling balls. It may sound like fun, but it
Never allow yourself
to be in bad physical condition.
Never be the first or
last person in a line. The last person will be killed
from behind, and the first person will be killed from the
If a vampire or zombie
bites one of your friends, kick him out the door. He's
history. It will help everyone else survive, because your
friend will come back from death to get you.
If someone offers you
one million dollars to stay in a haunted house overnight,
check your family tree for any former occupants of the
house. The ghosts just may want revenge.
Don't collect dolls,
knives, Nazi memorabilia, mirrors, or diaries written by
dead people that aren't named Anne Frank.
Move out of your house
if you own a garbage disposal, Jacuzzi, heavy grandfather
clock, or a bunch of stuff in the attic that the last
owners left behind.
Don't bother running
away from that tall, pale dude with the pins sticking out
of his head. The farther you run, the angrier he and his
friends will be.
If you have something
the bad guy wants and you aren't the main character, give
it to him immediately. You will die quicker than, say,
being hacked to pieces with a dull axe.
When you hear on the
radio that some mad scientist managed to make flying
piranha and they've escaped from the lab, now is not the
time to have a pool party.
If all the machines in
your town are going insane, now is probably NOT
the best time to get a soda from the soda machine.
Never make fun of a
geek or nerd at school. They'll just go psycho and start
Most killers attack on
holidays. You'd do well to lock yourself inside somewhere
safe on those days.
If you encounter an
old homeless guy with a nasty skin disease during your
stay at a cabin in the middle of nowhere, don't drink any
water. Just head to the closest general store and buy a
lot of beer or soda or whatever your non-water beverage
of choice is.
If a monster has been
haunting your dreams, don't tell anybody about him. That
just gives the monster more victims.
Classic cars may look
nice, but they're not good. If your friend has an
unhealthy attachment to one, kill him. Unfortunately, the
driverless car will seek blood vengeance and mow you
Do not drive a car
with an almost dead battery to a secluded farm for
If you find yourself
in a boxing match with an invincible mass murderer, don't
give him a free shot. Doing so gives him permission to
slam-dunk your head in a trashcan.
If you have the choice
between a flashlight and a weapon, pick the weapon.
Better yet, grab both, and tape the flashlight to the
weapon so you can see what you're doing.
Always try and stay in
the center of the room, keeping away from suspiciously
low-lit corners, unless there's a peculiar design on the
floor or there's a chandelier.
Never try the first
thing that comes to mind. Since you're in a horror movie,
it'll most likely be an extremely stupid idea. Instead,
think up three or four plans and run with the best one.
The less complicated
your weapon is, the greater your chances of success.
If, in your daily
routine of eating woodland creatures and foraging for
food, you should happen to realize that you're actually a
twisted freak from the edge of Hell and that you have no
place in human society, congratulations! You're the
monster! Now, go find some campers, and make sure you
kill them good so you'll have some sequels.
If you hear a noise in
a dark place, do not investigate.
If you've boarded up
the windows to avoid the attack of the living dead, don't
go near those windows. No matter how well you've boarded
them up, a dead hand is almost sure to grab you.
If a body part becomes
bitten by a zombie or possessed, cut it off. Chances are
you can survive and/or replace it with some kind of
Never anger the
monster. The carnage will be great, and the casualties
will be high.
No matter what they
say or what they do, aliens aren't friendly. ET was a
good guy, but the monsters from Independence Day,
Alien, and Predator kicked the crap out
of him once he returned to his home planet for being a
Never assume that the
monster/killer cannot get out of a deep well or hole.
Usually it can crawl straight up the sides, jump out, or
dig out. If a monster is down a well, you should either
drop a bomb on the well or run away while you have some
If your dead friend
comes back from the grave and tells you that you're going
to become a werewolf, you should believe him.
Don't tinkle on the
If a man with pointed
teeth asks you to invite him into your house, tell him to
It's not a good idea
to resurrect dead things, because they'll probably be
really cranky if you do.
Avoid running through
forests when killers are chasing you. Chances are they
knows the forest better than you do.
Never open any box,
coffin, crate, container, or anything that has been
chained, nailed, welded, or wax-sealed shut, especially
if it's been well-hidden for a long time.
Only one or two people
ever make it out alive the majority of the time. If you
think you've killed the monster and you look around and
see three or more people, it's time to worry.
Whatever you do, don't
stand next to any doors or windows unless they're part of
your exit strategy.
If the rest of the
house is well lit and you hear a strange sound coming
from the only room whose light switch doesn't work, think
about it. Don't take it as a circuit-breaker slip, and
get the heck out of there.
If your husband
becomes the winter caretaker at a hotel in the mountains,
take along a snowmobile repair manual and a gun (hidden
from your spouse, of course).
If you accidentally
kill the last surviving cast member with an axe because
you thought he/she was the monster, get over it and pull
the axe out of the corpse. You'll need it later.
If you have a weapon,
only use it if the monster isn't expecting it. Otherwise
the monster will just rip it out of your hands and beat
you upside the head with it.
If zombies are chasing
you, get in a room and lock the door. They're too stupid
to turn the handle. Make sure the room has no windows,
because zombies ARE smart enough to bust
If you get trapped in
a restroom stall with a hive of pissed-off bees, stay
calm enough to crawl under the stall door.
Do not allow a
computer to have the ability to lock doors on its own.
Make sure you know all
the foreign languages your kids can speak.
If you insist on
buying a house with a basement or attic, make sure
nothing has died in either room before you moved in.
Have you ever been
told never to take an elevator in an emergency? Well,
consider your options well when it comes to
inner-building transportation in a horror movie.
elevators: Never go in an elevator
without a main character, and NO MORE
than one. The occupancy should never exceed more
than one panic-stricken person. Be prepared to
brace yourself to meet the ground in an
uncomfortable manner if alone. If a computer is
after you, avoid the elevator entirely. Never
sigh in relief once you are onboard; you might as
well wear a giant "kill me" sign. Also,
glass elevators are never a good mode of
escalators: Never wear any loose
clothing that can be caught in the moving metal
stairs, or be prepared to know what it is like to
go through an electronic food processor. Go up
the easiest route, not against where the stairs
stairs: Take a few aerobics classes
if climbing a tall building. There's no use
having a heart attack and seeing the monster
looming over you before you die. Oh, and close
the door leading off of the staircase quietly so
that it won't tell the villain where you went.
rules: The weight capacity signs
should usually be obeyed, and slime dripping from
anything does not mean it is safe to enter.
When an Irish midget
in a green suit says he wants his gold, you better give
it to him. If you don't have his gold, find out who does.
There's no good reason
to move to, visit, or drive through any small town in New
England, especially Maine. You shouldn't even look at
Maine on a map. Kill anyone you know who has lived ever
in Maine. In short, Maine sucks.
If you seriously want
to kick the monster's butt, take notes while watching MacGyver.
"Pet" is the
key word in "pet cemetery."
If your flashlight
batteries die, so do you.
After summoning the
demons, do not go into the forest. The trees are in
cahoots with the demons, and they will either dismember,
fall on, or make unwanted sexual advances on you.
When you get in your
car, always check the back seat before you take off. And
check the trunk too, as well as under the hood, and under
the car. You know what? Just forget the car. If you can't
walk to where you need to go, it isn't worth the trip.
The monster will never
attack you when you are cradling someone during his or
her dying moments. This is especially true if the person
just had their butt handed to them by the monster.
Unless you're a total
and complete badass, don't tell the psycho to "bring
it on" or "come get some." Taunting the
bad guy is the quick road to the morgue.
Never pee in the
woods. You'd be better off holding it in. It'll be okay;
a little bladder damage never hurt anyone.
If you're the first
person to be seen in the movie, expect to die. Sorry.
If a jerk starts
harassing you on the phone, hang up. Star-69 is there for
a reason. Use it, call the police, and get your rifle out
of the gun cabinet.
If you can't find the
corkscrew, don't turn around and ask your friend where it
went. You'll find out soon.
When fighting zombies,
it's good to keep a full tank of gas in the lawnmower
just in case.
If you're going to
hide the truth about a murder you've just committed, make
darn sure it stays hidden.
Pay careful attention
to any strange words or phrases, especially if they are
foreign words or phrases. Chances are, they will help you
either save yourself or defeat the villain.
If you find a dead
friend with a knife stuck in his or her back, don't run
away screaming. Pull the knife out and use it to your
If being chased by
zombies, grab a baseball bat, sledgehammer, or other
blunt object, and climb a tree. If they follow, smack
them in the head!
proficiency with firearms, martial arts, or any other
form of self-defense. When the killing starts, you'll
either get hit from behind of have your particular talent
used against you.
Never ever try to take
on the killer by yourself. Get your friends to back you
If you created the
monster, be nice to it. If you don't, it's your funeral.
Never yell at a doll
that has been talking without batteries.
Even though you may
think it's in their best interests, absolutely do not
release lab animals from their cages.
Remember, even the
villains have their own survival plan.
Never doubt that you
saw something strange. You probably did.
If a recently deceased
relative leaves you a creepy house, don't move in. In
fact, if an estranged relative leaves you anything, you'd
better just sell it without even catching a glimpse of
it. Maybe you could even let the lawyer keep it. If you
absolutely must live in this house, call the Ghostbusters
If you get stabbed,
you will probably get stabbed again.
If a killer doll or
toy attacks you, remember that it's just a doll! You're
bigger than it! As long as you can get the weapon out of
the doll's hand, you'll be in good shape.
If you are running
from the killer and see a dead body in the passenger's
seat in a car, the vehicle is not defective. Do not
scream and run. Throw the body to the side, get in the
car, and drive immediately.
When making a
documentary about an urban legend in the woods, it
wouldn't hurt to have more than one map just in case a
member of the camera crew decides to get crazy and start
chucking maps into the river.
When you walk into a
dark room, never ask, "Is anyone there?" There
really is someone there, and that person will NOT
be happy to see you.
If you have the
unfortunate luck of appearing in an Italian zombie film
or Japanese ghost story, you're screwed. Just find
something interesting to do to kill time before you die.
If you see someone in
the process of being stabbed to death in a public place,
you have two options: help the victim or run away.
Whatever you do, never assume it's a publicity stunt for
a new slasher movie.
Never be the fat,
If you happen to find
two people that have been frozen for five hundred years,
don't thaw out the ugly one holding the knife.
If your house tells
you to leave, take its advice.
When the doll you got
for your birthday wants to take over your body, let him
have it. It's better than getting hacked to pieces.
Make sure you don't
get into an argument with the doll possessed by your dead
Campfire legends are
The government will
Never promise your
firstborn child to an evil cult. They'll come to collect
Don't trust company
spokesmen. They will usually screw you over in order to
get the monster.
If you're in the woods
and see a big guy wearing a hockey mask, don't assume
he's just a fan of the sport.
If shooting the killer
does not work, neither will kicking him in the groin.
If there is a nuclear
power plant in your town, don't drink from the school
When looking for a
place to hide from zombies, try the attic or the
basement. Make sure to securely lock the door behind you.
If you find a pile of
rocks while camping in the woods, don't knock it over.
If you're in cahoots
with the killer, don't hold the main character so your
buddy can finish the job once and for all. Have you ever
seen a wrestling show? It's kinda like that. The hero
will dodge, you will have a shocked look on your face,
and then you shall go "thump."
If you see somebody
dumping sheets with red stains into a large drainage
pipe, just assume it's dirty laundry. There's no need to
Your child's imaginary
friend can - and probably will - try to kill you.
If the demon offers to
let you live in exchange for your assistance, he's
Stay on the Interstate
during your cross-country road trip. Any shortcuts you
take will lead to your untimely and painful demise.
Don't bother trying to
discover the monster's origin. It only causes pain.
Strange lights are
seldom harbingers of good tidings.
Don't pronounce the
Necronomicon's incantations incorrectly. You probably
shouldn't pronounce them correctly, either. Just burn the
thing and be done with it.
Begging the killer to
let you live will only make things worse.
The gigantic stain in
your bedroom ceiling isn't caused by faulty plumbing.
If you best friend
appears to be afraid of you as you try to save him/her
from the clutches of a murderer, take the hint.
Never go in a Japanese
crazy as hell.
All hillbillies are
There's always a way
to survive the killer's deathtrap. Being maimed isn't as
bad as being killed.
Always listen to what
the madman has to say. He could be giving you valuable
If you're told not to
use a particular key on a particular door, it's not
If you find that
you've been kidnapped and trapped in a room full of
strangers, be forewarned: one of these strangers may be
in on it.
Things are always too
good to be true.
The forces of darkness
are nothing to be trifled with.
It's always the person
you least suspect.
Cell phones and the
Internet are evil.
Stay away from eastern
Touring the area where
a successful horror movie was filmed only causes
Never pick up
If you chose to live
in an area devoid of sunlight, remember to keep your
"vampire survival kit" handy.
If trapped in a
building surrounded by monsters, go ahead and kill the
overzealous religious lunatic as soon as possible. That
person may be more dangerous by the monsters.
If you're in a movie
that makes an active effort to overturn the clichés of
the genre, you're on your own!
Your dog can take care
So can your spouse.
And your kids.
Avoid people in black.
Avoid people with
Avoid people with lots
of facial hair.
Avoid people with pale
complexions who moan and sway.
Avoid people who have
easy access to virgin's blood and/or speak in languages
you don't hear very often.