THE HORROR MOVIE SURVIVAL GUIDE
325 Tips For Keeping Your Sorry Butt Out Of The Morgue

  1. Don't trust anybody.
  2. Never jump to conclusions.
  3. Always carry several guns and lots of armor-piercing bullets. Shoot everything. All the time. Don't even wait. Reload quickly.
  4. You don't have to outrun the monster. You have to outrun your friends.
  5. Move out of your house if you find that it has...
  6. Never read a book of demon summoning out loud.
  7. Swimming is bad.
  8. If the local weirdo warns you about a "death curse," don't assume he's just hopped up on goofballs.
  9. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or in the same neighborhood as a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, morgue, or other domicile of the dead.
  10. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.
  11. If you're searching for something that caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, get out of the room quickly.
  12. Just say no to human blood.
  13. If you've discovered an urban legend about a long-dead serial killer and decide to investigate it, under no circumstances should you pick up any hitchhikers near the killer's last known whereabouts.
  14. If a hitchhiker you picked up commits suicide while riding with you, just dump the body and leave. It's not worth the trouble of reporting.
  15. Clowns are bad, very bad. They're evil, too. Even Ronald McDonald is a potential threat.
  16. Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
  17. If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably for a reason.
  18. Beware of strangers bearing various implements of destruction, such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, spears, broken glass, barbed wire, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, laser pistols, nunchucks, bricks, sleeping bags, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators.
  19. When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
  20. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you'll have to crank the engine over many times before your car will fire up. Even if you bought the car earlier that day, it'll happen.
  21. If you walk into the local abandoned church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the pews are lined with what looks like dead people, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
  22. When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, NEVER sign on to do a sequel unless you were the hero. And even then, your chances are survival are 50-50.
  23. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.
  24. Just because someone dared you to do something doesn't mean it's okay to do it.
  25. If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyway because you are inferior to them.
  26. When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
  27. When you disobey the previous rule and one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body, don't let him back on the ship. The poor guy will die a painful death, anyway.
  28. When you disobey the previous two rules and a hideous alien menace is hunting you, never wander off alone to find the ship's cat.
  29. Never go in/out there.
  30. If someone who seems important gives you orders, follow them to the letter. This rule may only be broken if following it means violating another rule.
  31. Be sure to carry as much ammunition as you can if using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, because you'll more than likely run out just before you kill the monster.
  32. Abandon all hope if flesh-eating zombies bite you. No matter how many antibiotics you take, you're going to become one of them sooner or later.
  33. If you're the last main character left in a zombie movie, don't stand out in the open. A posse of drunken rednecks are probably hunting the zombies, and in their alcohol-fueled daze, they might mistake you for a member of the hideous legion of undead.
  34. Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.
  35. If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible.
  36. Never bathe, especially when in the house alone. If you have really nasty body odor, you'll hopefully scare the monster.
  37. While guns slow the monster down, you really shouldn't rely on anything more complicated than a pointed stick or a board with a nail stuck through it.
  38. Never camp, build homes, or bury pets/family members on or near Indian burial grounds.
  39. If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is.
  40. Upon hearing the previously mentioned footsteps upstairs, get out quickly. If you have to escape through a squeaky door or window, turn the TV or stereo up full blast.
  41. Never pick up the phone and call for help. Chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.
  42. If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera. If it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
  43. If you find that a window which you thought was previously closed is now open, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.
  44. Look at the paychecks of the other actors in the cast. You'll want to hang around the ones with the higher paychecks, because they're more likely to survive.
  45. That rustling in the bushes is not a bunny rabbit.
  46. People dressed as Santa Claus are a little less than trustworthy.
  47. If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.
  48. If you should run across an escape route made of glass, don't waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action. A few minor cuts and scratches are better than a chest wound.
  49. Whenever a strange weapon is presented (i.e. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.), take it. If you don't, the monster will use it against you. Better you use it then the monster.
  50. If you look out the window and see a monster, chances are he's coming after you some time or another.
  51. Setting the monster on fire doesn't hurt him, it just makes it angry.
  52. Stimulating glands that were not meant to be stimulated is a really bad idea.
  53. If you have military supplies in your possession, get rid of them quickly.
  54. If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra five miles into town.
  55. Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, not a stimulant.
  56. Don't work the night shift.
  57. If an iceberg appears to be radioactive, do not crash your submarine into it. Heck, don't crash your submarine into a regular iceberg, either.
  58. Never make fun of the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school. If you do, either apologize and befriend her or skip the prom.
  59. If you know a planet is inhabited with thousands of acid-bleeding creatures, it is generally not a good idea to go to that planet and try to bring back one of the creatures.
  60. In the event that you decide to disobey the above rule, and your tracking device says the acid-bleeding creatures are moving towards you, immediately point your gun at the ceiling and fire. Try not to look directly up.
  61. If you send your significant other down to check out a mysterious sound and he doesn't return within five minutes, don't check on him. All you'll find is a corpse.
  62. Never try to kill a monster the same way it was done before. Doing this may cause something very bad, since nobody ever tried it before.
  63. Do not allow children to watch television, read old books, or play with puzzle boxes/dolls unsupervised.
  64. The buddy system is good.
  65. Don't poke things with sticks.
  66. If you rise from the dead, you'd better learn to like human flesh. Why? You'll be eating some sooner or later. No getting around it. Sorry.
  67. Practical jokes aren't usually a good idea. Either the demon will change it so it's deadly, or it'll be set off by the victim's corpse.
  68. Beware of strangers bearing gifts.
  69. Under no circumstances should you remove unusual items from glaciers or large blocks of ice.
  70. If you disregard the previous rule and remove something unusual from the ice, do not let it thaw.
  71. If you've recently installed a C.B. radio into your car, don't let your friends play pranks on truckers.
  72. If two monsters are fighting each other, don't try to get their attention if one of them attempts to kill your friends in the process. Doing so will just give the other monster the chance to sneak up on you.
  73. Don't play God.
  74. Become a pro wrestler. Nobody's tried to piledrive a monster yet.
  75. When you're in a group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT of coffee.
  76. Don't open the door.
  77. Please bear in mind that almost all myths and urban legends are loosely based on fact.
  78. If you find a book entitled "To Serve Man", don't board the alien spaceship.
  79. Don't bother to warn anybody about the monster. Nobody will believe you.
  80. Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.
  81. Only feed the strange animal that your father bought for you in Chinatown before midnight.
  82. If you know that an alien creature bleeds ultra-corrosive slime, never fire a big-bore weapon point-blank at its face.
  83. Choose your friends wisely.
  84. Hiding in your sleeping bag won't make the monster go away.
  85. If there is only one bridge between your camp and the nearest town, don't try to escape. As soon as you get close to the bridge, it will fall or be demolished by an evil spirit.
  86. Pig blood has never been funny, and it never will be.
  87. If your name is not listed in the opening credits, you've probably died already.
  88. There is no good reason for you to enter the basement of the abandoned cabin you're renting.
  89. If you DO decide to venture into the cabin's basement, don't play the cassette tape you found there.
  90. If the first ten gunshots didn't do any good, there's a good chance the next ten won't work either.
  91. Avoid any road or street where vehicles drive themselves.
  92. If any nearby animal starts acting edgy, run the heck away from it because something bad will happen.
  93. Don't blow up H-bombs in Tokyo. You'll only make the local fire-breathing dinosaur mad.
  94. If you find out that any of your ancestors were burned at the stake for practicing witchcraft, by no means should you ever move into their old house, study any of their experiments or works, or dig up their grave.
  95. If your roommate at medical school develops a chemical for re-animating the dead, immediately drop out.
  96. If you choose to disregard the previous rule by assisting your friend, do not let failed experiments escape.
  97. If you permit failed re-animation experiments to escape, they will undoubtedly group together and come after you.
  98. If you absolutely must experiment with re-animating the dead, never try to create the perfect woman from various womanly parts.
  99. Carry heavy artillery.
  100. If you live in a town in Maine whose residents include a clown driving a car he calls "Christine," a rabid St. Bernard, a haunted hotel near a pet cemetery, girls with telekinetic or pyrokinetic powers, 18-wheelers that operate without drivers, and fat guys that get skinny REALLY quickly, move to another town.
  101. If you live in a town where the novels written by a particular horror author come to life, you are so screwed.
  102. When running from the killer, don't try to climb through the doggy door. Find another means of escape.
  103. Discourage your parents from taking jobs as winter caretakers at secluded mountaintop hotels.
  104. If your stomach hurts after a recent alien attack, Pepto-Bismol isn't going to be of much use.
  105. If you meet someone who has no reason to be there, chances are it's them doing the killing.
  106. Unless you're the Terminator, saying "I'll be back" means you won't be back.
  107. If the ATM machine insults you, avoid all mechanical devices for the next week or two.
  108. If your dentist mentions that his wife is having an affair, cancel your appointment immediately.
  109. Buy a caller ID, or keep Star-69 on speed-dial. In the event that neither work, call the cops and get out of the house.
  110. If you are about to be killed, dare the psycho to do it. If you want to die, you probably won't. Of course, the psycho may take you up on that offer.
  111. Before an undead creature kills you, find out its secret of eternal life so you can put up a decent fight.
  112. It doesn't matter if Lucky Charms are magically delicious, steer clear of leprechauns.
  113. If you try to open the car door, but had to go and get your keys because you forgot them, do not get into the car when you return if the doors are suddenly unlocked and the windows are steamy. This generally means the killer is in the car.
  114. If you find yourself in a hospital where only five people are working and there are no other patients, you're better off with your injury.
  115. Just stay inside on all holidays.
  116. Never eat the bad guy's heart, no matter how yummy it looks.
  117. Don't ever dig up the corpse of a dead bad guy with the intention of destroying the body. No matter what you do, he'll come back to life.
  118. Avoid houses where portraits have moving eyes, the taps drip blood, and the dog begins pawing at the wall for no reason.
  119. When holding your gun to the killer/monster's head, make sure the safety is off.
  120. If you have been in numerous horror movies and have been killed before the opening credits are through, we suggest you find a new line of work.
  121. By all means, try to avoid wax museums.
  122. If you come across an old abandoned house that is boarded up and has fifteen pick-up trucks in the front yard, don't ask for directions. Just get the heck out of there.
  123. A walking puppet with no strings is not cute.
  124. The "Keep Out" sign is probably there for a very good reason.
  125. If you were a camp counselor that was the only survivor from a massacre, why would you go back to camp the next year?
  126. If you have to decide whether to run out the door or up the stairs, pick the door.
  127. If your parents are out of town, and you live in the country or up in the hills, don't have a party. Go to a friend's house, preferably one with a lot of weapons.
  128. Just because it's really quiet, don't be fooled. Even the biggest, clumsiest monsters can sneak up on you.
  129. When walking down the same hallway you've walked down a million times before in your house, turn the lights on. And run past any open doors or adjacent halls.
  130. Position all furniture against sturdy walls so the killer can't jump you from behind.
  131. Never look directly into anything that includes lights, boxes, mirrors, or creepy books.
  132. If the power goes out in your home, look out a window at the streetlights and neighbors' houses. If their power is out too, just calm down and take a nap. If your house is the only one that goes, then it's time to panic.
  133. If the world is taken over by the monster(s), just break into the White House and press the "the big red button" and end it all.
  134. When in the movie, don't get a role in which you say or do anything important. Be a cameo, or extra, since nothing bad happens to them. My advice is to be the old man in the background.
  135. If you see a guy in a mask, it probably isn't one of your friends pulling a prank.
  136. If a guy tells you to say certain magic words when you take a book of the dead from a cemetery, write the words down if you fear you'll forget them.
  137. Never take showers in the Bates Motel.
  138. Don't open canisters containing gas that supposedly re-animates the dead.
  139. If you go off alone to get yourself a beer, you won't live long enough to drink it.
  140. If you open a partially closed door, don't be surprised if a corpse falls out.
  141. If you ever see a neon sign where a lack of certain letters produces a word with a sinister connotation, under no conditions should you have anything to do with the sign.
  142. If you know that a remake of your film will be produced, make sure David Cronenberg or John Carpenter will be directing. That way, you'll know for a fact that it'll be good.
  143. If you've been having wild freaky monkey-love in the cemetery with a widow you just met, don't let her dead husband bite her if he happens to show up. If you think he did bite her, don't immediately assume she's a zombie and shoot her in the head. She just fainted from all the stress.
  144. Try not to attract ALL the nasty evil things when you scream really, really loudly.
  145. If someone offers to give you a ride while a monster is chasing you, don't accept. The driver just may be in cahoots with the villain.
  146. Just because you go on a road trip doesn't mean the maniac can't find you.
  147. If there is a killer on the loose, do not decide that now's the time to lose your virginity.
  148. When you call for someone more than six times without an answer, you can stop. You won't be getting an answer.
  149. Crying vampires are easier to kill with stakes, garlic, or holy water. Do not be kindhearted; just kill the bloodsucking creature of the night. Anything that whines that much about being immortal only has it coming.
  150. If you don't have a heartbeat and brains smell mighty tasty, kill yourself fast. Save your friends, family, and the whole world the worry.
  151. Cheerleaders should have sex with the nerdy guy in the back of the class. He will be the hero and they'll survive by being his woman.
  152. If you're a telekinetic who accidentally caused your father's drowning, don't try to use your powers to bring him back to life. If you decide to disregard this rule, make ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY SURE that there isn't a dead serial killer chained at the bottom of the lake.
  153. If a friend or family member dies a gruesome death of unknown causes a week after watching a strange videotape, don't bother investigating. If you do happen to investigate, have someone else watch the videotape for you.
  154. Don't go to a summer camp where a high percentage of those who either worked or visited there were shot, stabbed, sliced, diced, skewered, squished, splattered, deep fried, poked, prodded, burned, bludgeoned, or wrapped up in a sleeping bag and smacked against a tree.
  155. If you deliver a pizza to a house littered with dead bodies, the killer is already hiding in your car. I would suggest going into the house, disguising yourself as a dead body, and playing dead when the killer walks by. Let someone else do all the work.
  156. Skinny-dipping is enough to get your face bashed in by the killer.
  157. If you are a bum or drunk that saw something strange in the sky, just shoot yourself and get it over with. It's better that way.
  158. The killer is closer than you think.
  159. If the villain mails you the decapitated head of your significant other, don't kill him. That's exactly what he wants you to do.
  160. On a dark and stormy night when your parents go out, never stay home alone. Go over to a friend's house or invite some friends over.
  161. If the audience doesn't think the movie is over, it's probably not over.
  162. If you have a child whose head begins to spin around without the rest of their body, start drinking a lot of holy water.
  163. Uproot all funny-looking plants and burn them.
  164. If a man walks towards you in a stiff, staggering sort of fashion, do not assume that he is a cerebral palsy victim.
  165. Consider being the villain in a horror movie. If you do a decent job killing everyone, you may live for an indefinite number of sequels. Even if you die, there's a good chance you'll be coming back.
  166. Churches and holy grounds just aren't safe places to be in a horror movie. Oddly enough, most horror movie demons can walk right in and not be affected.
  167. Never sleep or have sex in bunk beds or any other beds with enough room for somebody to hide underneath. Sawing the legs off the beds is a good idea.
  168. Upon forming a large army of rats, be nice to the huge brown one that's in charge.
  169. If you are in any deserted place, like a camp, and there are old stories of murders, leave while your heart is still beating.
  170. If you hear something strange, run as far as possible as quickly as possible.
  171. Never look back when you are running away from a killer. He'll only be in front of you when you turn back around.
  172. Even if you think that you can't stomach it, falling in love with the bad guy is probably better than being killed.
  173. If the computer running the labs you're trapped in suggests that you kill a zombie-bitten member of your party, make your decision quickly. Stalling will only give the monster more time to find and eat you.
  174. Remember that serial killers and mass murderers are just like the "Energizer Bunny." They keep going and going and going and going and going and going, no matter how many times you hit them with the car.
  175. Never consume any part of a dead villain. It never helps.
  176. If your mother was murdered recently, expect the killer to attack you too.
  177. If you and your friends accidentally hit a man with your car and dump the body, he's not really dead. He's just really pissed off.
  178. On the outside chance that you just knocked down the killer who was chasing you, use this time wisely. If you can get in a good shot while he's down, take it. Otherwise, try putting some distance between you and the monster.
  179. If you're unsure whether or not you're in a horror movie, do something crazy that no horror movie would ever show. You might want to try putting your legs behind your head, smacking your butt, and yelling "pork chops and applesauce" repeatedly. Even if a horror movie did show that, you can at least die knowing you were part of the funniest horror movie ever.
  180. Look before you leap. Otherwise, you might land in something icky.
  181. Werewolves are not cuddly.
  182. Despite this list's suggestions of massive gun use, never rely upon them as your sole source of attack. Try to be a little more creative.
  183. Isolated locations - rural farmhouses, cornfields, summer camps, deserts, the middle of nowhere - are extremely bad places to be. You're better off being in an area with lots of people. That way, the monster might get distracted and start killing everybody else, allowing you time to make an escape.
  184. Wearing high heels isn't a good idea during a chase scene.
  185. Don't dig up canisters with dead guys in them.
  186. After you disregard the previous rule, don't open those canisters. You'll probably be better off re-burying them.
  187. Disabled people usually die, unless they're the main character. What do villains have against the handicapped, anyway?
  188. If you feel that there are two when there should only be one, do something about it.
  189. If you're a pregnant woman named Rosemary, have an abortion.
  190. Try to one-up the killer and see if YOU can be the one to be resurrected multiple times.
  191. Lead a cult. This way, if you get killed, your faithful followers could resurrect you in the sequel.
  192. You know that big rift/well/portal/gate/weird thingie that just opened up in your backyard? Don't play in it.
  193. Large metal/stone paperweights come in handy during the big showdown with the killer.
  194. Severed heads do not make good bowling balls. It may sound like fun, but it really isn't.
  195. Never allow yourself to be in bad physical condition.
  196. Never be the first or last person in a line. The last person will be killed from behind, and the first person will be killed from the front.
  197. If a vampire or zombie bites one of your friends, kick him out the door. He's history. It will help everyone else survive, because your friend will come back from death to get you.
  198. If someone offers you one million dollars to stay in a haunted house overnight, check your family tree for any former occupants of the house. The ghosts just may want revenge.
  199. Don't collect dolls, knives, Nazi memorabilia, mirrors, or diaries written by dead people that aren't named Anne Frank.
  200. Move out of your house if you own a garbage disposal, Jacuzzi, heavy grandfather clock, or a bunch of stuff in the attic that the last owners left behind.
  201. Don't bother running away from that tall, pale dude with the pins sticking out of his head. The farther you run, the angrier he and his friends will be.
  202. If you have something the bad guy wants and you aren't the main character, give it to him immediately. You will die quicker than, say, being hacked to pieces with a dull axe.
  203. When you hear on the radio that some mad scientist managed to make flying piranha and they've escaped from the lab, now is not the time to have a pool party.
  204. If all the machines in your town are going insane, now is probably NOT the best time to get a soda from the soda machine.
  205. Never make fun of a geek or nerd at school. They'll just go psycho and start killing everybody.
  206. Most killers attack on holidays. You'd do well to lock yourself inside somewhere safe on those days.
  207. If you encounter an old homeless guy with a nasty skin disease during your stay at a cabin in the middle of nowhere, don't drink any water. Just head to the closest general store and buy a lot of beer or soda or whatever your non-water beverage of choice is.
  208. If a monster has been haunting your dreams, don't tell anybody about him. That just gives the monster more victims.
  209. Classic cars may look nice, but they're not good. If your friend has an unhealthy attachment to one, kill him. Unfortunately, the driverless car will seek blood vengeance and mow you down.
  210. Do not drive a car with an almost dead battery to a secluded farm for repairs.
  211. If you find yourself in a boxing match with an invincible mass murderer, don't give him a free shot. Doing so gives him permission to slam-dunk your head in a trashcan.
  212. If you have the choice between a flashlight and a weapon, pick the weapon. Better yet, grab both, and tape the flashlight to the weapon so you can see what you're doing.
  213. Always try and stay in the center of the room, keeping away from suspiciously low-lit corners, unless there's a peculiar design on the floor or there's a chandelier.
  214. Never try the first thing that comes to mind. Since you're in a horror movie, it'll most likely be an extremely stupid idea. Instead, think up three or four plans and run with the best one.
  215. The less complicated your weapon is, the greater your chances of success.
  216. If, in your daily routine of eating woodland creatures and foraging for food, you should happen to realize that you're actually a twisted freak from the edge of Hell and that you have no place in human society, congratulations! You're the monster! Now, go find some campers, and make sure you kill them good so you'll have some sequels.
  217. If you hear a noise in a dark place, do not investigate.
  218. If you've boarded up the windows to avoid the attack of the living dead, don't go near those windows. No matter how well you've boarded them up, a dead hand is almost sure to grab you.
  219. If a body part becomes bitten by a zombie or possessed, cut it off. Chances are you can survive and/or replace it with some kind of weapon.
  220. Never anger the monster. The carnage will be great, and the casualties will be high.
  221. No matter what they say or what they do, aliens aren't friendly. ET was a good guy, but the monsters from Independence Day, Alien, and Predator kicked the crap out of him once he returned to his home planet for being a wuss.
  222. Never assume that the monster/killer cannot get out of a deep well or hole. Usually it can crawl straight up the sides, jump out, or dig out. If a monster is down a well, you should either drop a bomb on the well or run away while you have some time.
  223. If your dead friend comes back from the grave and tells you that you're going to become a werewolf, you should believe him.
  224. Don't tinkle on the dead alien.
  225. If a man with pointed teeth asks you to invite him into your house, tell him to get lost.
  226. It's not a good idea to resurrect dead things, because they'll probably be really cranky if you do.
  227. Avoid running through forests when killers are chasing you. Chances are they knows the forest better than you do.
  228. Never open any box, coffin, crate, container, or anything that has been chained, nailed, welded, or wax-sealed shut, especially if it's been well-hidden for a long time.
  229. Only one or two people ever make it out alive the majority of the time. If you think you've killed the monster and you look around and see three or more people, it's time to worry.
  230. Whatever you do, don't stand next to any doors or windows unless they're part of your exit strategy.
  231. If the rest of the house is well lit and you hear a strange sound coming from the only room whose light switch doesn't work, think about it. Don't take it as a circuit-breaker slip, and get the heck out of there.
  232. If your husband becomes the winter caretaker at a hotel in the mountains, take along a snowmobile repair manual and a gun (hidden from your spouse, of course).
  233. If you accidentally kill the last surviving cast member with an axe because you thought he/she was the monster, get over it and pull the axe out of the corpse. You'll need it later.
  234. If you have a weapon, only use it if the monster isn't expecting it. Otherwise the monster will just rip it out of your hands and beat you upside the head with it.
  235. If zombies are chasing you, get in a room and lock the door. They're too stupid to turn the handle. Make sure the room has no windows, because zombies ARE smart enough to bust through glass.
  236. If you get trapped in a restroom stall with a hive of pissed-off bees, stay calm enough to crawl under the stall door.
  237. Do not allow a computer to have the ability to lock doors on its own.
  238. Make sure you know all the foreign languages your kids can speak.
  239. If you insist on buying a house with a basement or attic, make sure nothing has died in either room before you moved in.
  240. Have you ever been told never to take an elevator in an emergency? Well, consider your options well when it comes to inner-building transportation in a horror movie.
  241. When an Irish midget in a green suit says he wants his gold, you better give it to him. If you don't have his gold, find out who does.
  242. There's no good reason to move to, visit, or drive through any small town in New England, especially Maine. You shouldn't even look at Maine on a map. Kill anyone you know who has lived ever in Maine. In short, Maine sucks.
  243. If you seriously want to kick the monster's butt, take notes while watching MacGyver.
  244. "Pet" is the key word in "pet cemetery."
  245. If your flashlight batteries die, so do you.
  246. After summoning the demons, do not go into the forest. The trees are in cahoots with the demons, and they will either dismember, fall on, or make unwanted sexual advances on you.
  247. When you get in your car, always check the back seat before you take off. And check the trunk too, as well as under the hood, and under the car. You know what? Just forget the car. If you can't walk to where you need to go, it isn't worth the trip.
  248. The monster will never attack you when you are cradling someone during his or her dying moments. This is especially true if the person just had their butt handed to them by the monster.
  249. Unless you're a total and complete badass, don't tell the psycho to "bring it on" or "come get some." Taunting the bad guy is the quick road to the morgue.
  250. Never pee in the woods. You'd be better off holding it in. It'll be okay; a little bladder damage never hurt anyone.
  251. If you're the first person to be seen in the movie, expect to die. Sorry.
  252. If a jerk starts harassing you on the phone, hang up. Star-69 is there for a reason. Use it, call the police, and get your rifle out of the gun cabinet.
  253. If you can't find the corkscrew, don't turn around and ask your friend where it went. You'll find out soon.
  254. When fighting zombies, it's good to keep a full tank of gas in the lawnmower just in case.
  255. If you're going to hide the truth about a murder you've just committed, make darn sure it stays hidden.
  256. Pay careful attention to any strange words or phrases, especially if they are foreign words or phrases. Chances are, they will help you either save yourself or defeat the villain.
  257. If you find a dead friend with a knife stuck in his or her back, don't run away screaming. Pull the knife out and use it to your advantage.
  258. If being chased by zombies, grab a baseball bat, sledgehammer, or other blunt object, and climb a tree. If they follow, smack them in the head!
  259. Never exhibit proficiency with firearms, martial arts, or any other form of self-defense. When the killing starts, you'll either get hit from behind of have your particular talent used against you.
  260. Never ever try to take on the killer by yourself. Get your friends to back you up.
  261. If you created the monster, be nice to it. If you don't, it's your funeral.
  262. Never yell at a doll that has been talking without batteries.
  263. Even though you may think it's in their best interests, absolutely do not release lab animals from their cages.
  264. Remember, even the villains have their own survival plan.
  265. Never doubt that you saw something strange. You probably did.
  266. If a recently deceased relative leaves you a creepy house, don't move in. In fact, if an estranged relative leaves you anything, you'd better just sell it without even catching a glimpse of it. Maybe you could even let the lawyer keep it. If you absolutely must live in this house, call the Ghostbusters first.
  267. If you get stabbed, you will probably get stabbed again.
  268. If a killer doll or toy attacks you, remember that it's just a doll! You're bigger than it! As long as you can get the weapon out of the doll's hand, you'll be in good shape.
  269. If you are running from the killer and see a dead body in the passenger's seat in a car, the vehicle is not defective. Do not scream and run. Throw the body to the side, get in the car, and drive immediately.
  270. When making a documentary about an urban legend in the woods, it wouldn't hurt to have more than one map just in case a member of the camera crew decides to get crazy and start chucking maps into the river.
  271. When you walk into a dark room, never ask, "Is anyone there?" There really is someone there, and that person will NOT be happy to see you.
  272. If you have the unfortunate luck of appearing in an Italian zombie film or Japanese ghost story, you're screwed. Just find something interesting to do to kill time before you die.
  273. If you see someone in the process of being stabbed to death in a public place, you have two options: help the victim or run away. Whatever you do, never assume it's a publicity stunt for a new slasher movie.
  274. Never be the fat, unpopular kid.
  275. If you happen to find two people that have been frozen for five hundred years, don't thaw out the ugly one holding the knife.
  276. If your house tells you to leave, take its advice.
  277. When the doll you got for your birthday wants to take over your body, let him have it. It's better than getting hacked to pieces.
  278. Make sure you don't get into an argument with the doll possessed by your dead boyfriend.
  279. Campfire legends are true.
  280. The government will deny everything.
  281. Never promise your firstborn child to an evil cult. They'll come to collect one day.
  282. Don't trust company spokesmen. They will usually screw you over in order to get the monster.
  283. If you're in the woods and see a big guy wearing a hockey mask, don't assume he's just a fan of the sport.
  284. If shooting the killer does not work, neither will kicking him in the groin.
  285. If there is a nuclear power plant in your town, don't drink from the school water fountain.
  286. When looking for a place to hide from zombies, try the attic or the basement. Make sure to securely lock the door behind you.
  287. If you find a pile of rocks while camping in the woods, don't knock it over.
  288. If you're in cahoots with the killer, don't hold the main character so your buddy can finish the job once and for all. Have you ever seen a wrestling show? It's kinda like that. The hero will dodge, you will have a shocked look on your face, and then you shall go "thump."
  289. If you see somebody dumping sheets with red stains into a large drainage pipe, just assume it's dirty laundry. There's no need to go snooping.
  290. Your child's imaginary friend can - and probably will - try to kill you.
  291. If the demon offers to let you live in exchange for your assistance, he's totally lying.
  292. Stay on the Interstate during your cross-country road trip. Any shortcuts you take will lead to your untimely and painful demise.
  293. Don't bother trying to discover the monster's origin. It only causes pain.
  294. Strange lights are seldom harbingers of good tidings.
  295. Don't pronounce the Necronomicon's incantations incorrectly. You probably shouldn't pronounce them correctly, either. Just burn the thing and be done with it.
  296. Begging the killer to let you live will only make things worse.
  297. The gigantic stain in your bedroom ceiling isn't caused by faulty plumbing.
  298. If you best friend appears to be afraid of you as you try to save him/her from the clutches of a murderer, take the hint.
  299. Never go in a Japanese haunted house.
  300. Transvestites are crazy as hell.
  301. All hillbillies are psychotic.
  302. There's always a way to survive the killer's deathtrap. Being maimed isn't as bad as being killed.
  303. Always listen to what the madman has to say. He could be giving you valuable clues.
  304. If you're told not to use a particular key on a particular door, it's not reverse psychology.
  305. If you find that you've been kidnapped and trapped in a room full of strangers, be forewarned: one of these strangers may be in on it.
  306. Things are always too good to be true.
  307. The forces of darkness are nothing to be trifled with.
  308. It's always the person you least suspect.
  309. Cell phones and the Internet are evil.
  310. Stay away from eastern European hostels.
  311. Touring the area where a successful horror movie was filmed only causes problems.
  312. Never pick up hitchhikers.
  313. If you chose to live in an area devoid of sunlight, remember to keep your "vampire survival kit" handy.
  314. If trapped in a building surrounded by monsters, go ahead and kill the overzealous religious lunatic as soon as possible. That person may be more dangerous by the monsters.
  315. If you're in a movie that makes an active effort to overturn the clichés of the genre, you're on your own!
  316. Your dog can take care of itself.
  317. So can your spouse.
  318. And your kids.
  319. Avoid people in black.
  320. Avoid people with pointy teeth.
  321. Avoid people with lots of facial hair.
  322. Avoid people with pale complexions who moan and sway.
  323. Avoid people who have easy access to virgin's blood and/or speak in languages you don't hear very often.
  324. Avoid people.
  325. THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE EVER: Don't die!

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